Saturday, December 8, 2012

God......why?

Dear God,

     Why? In simply asking this question I feel like I am failing you. I have tried to keep my faith and trust in you at all times like I know I should, but the truth is.....sometimes fear and doubt are so strong that they push their way into my mind and I struggle. I don't understand these circumstances sometimes. I have always prayed that you would make me into the man, husband, and father that you envisioned me to be when you created me, but now I feel like a broken down version of all of those. I have had to give up my triathlon competitions......I am unable to go swimming with my son.....I am constantly having to take time to do dialysis instead of all the list of things a husband and father should be doing through the day. When I was first in the hospital and they were running tests, I lost my faith and strength. I sat shivering with fear on what my future would hold....and I couldn't feel you. I managed to get my nerves under control and focus on what the plan would be and tried to show my faith once the diagnosis came....and I felt almost numb...an unnerving calm even. I continued to show my faith to the nurses at the dialysis clinic and assured them that my God was in control and would heal me.....but my  healing has not come. I have been able to continue to work and do the job I feel you called me to, but it is so hard to have to continuously worry about how I will get all my dialysis treatments done and pay all the bills and still keep Kyla at home with the kids. They are growing up so sweet and special. I know they are truly a gift from you and I am so thankful, but I wonder about the effect that watching their father have to constantly take medication and do dialysis will have on their peace of mind. I also worry about my father and his peace of mind. I have never seen him so concerned about me or question God's healing before. He is a spiritual giant, but he is also struggling with me not being immediately healed with prayer. Sometimes I just wonder if I have it in me to continue to hold on to my faith for this journey, it seems so hard. I want to be the man and father you planned for me to be, but I just can't understand.........but I will continue to trust that you know my future and still hold it in your hand.

                                                                                                         Your struggling son,
                                                                                                          Anthony

Dear Anthony,

       Oh son, how I love you. I made you with a human spirit that is weak and questioning so that my grace and strength could be made perfect in you. I am neither upset or disappointed in you, but I am proud of all that you are.  I call you my child because much like a child, your view is often limited. When your son had to have an injection to protect him, he didn't understand and it broke your heart when he cried. However, you knew that the result would be for his benefit. I have also wept at your pain and fear, but I know the plans I have for you. I am still molding you into the child I created you to be for me. I allowed you to train and race in triathlons not only because you were passionate about it (i planted that passion), but it also allowed your body to counteract the effects of the kidney failure for a long time. I knew that if you were diagnosed earlier, you would never have found the courage to long for and try for Aspen. If you remember, it wasn't long after you found out I was sending her to you that you were diagnosed. I didn't want you to miss out on her blessing in your life. You will return to those passions, but for now, you do not have those distractions in your life and are able to focus on your children. You will always cherish this time with them. When you were laying shivering in the hospital, I was trying to speak to you in my still small voice, but fear had made you unable to hear me. Therefore, I crawled into bed with you and held you until you finally felt my calm wash over you. You were not numb, but were experiencing the peace that passes your understanding. My strength was holding you up when you were given the diagnosis and were able to focus on what my plan would be for you. Though you feel that not getting an immediate healing was a failure in the nurses eyes, you never saw the strength that was passed into some of those nurses lives who are also my children. The faith that you showed was a small seed that I was able to grow miracles out of in other people's lives, though you will never see those fruits until you come to be with me in Heaven. Your children do not fear the future because of your life, on the contrary, they draw strength and build their faith on the building blocks that you give them everyday when you pray with them and teach them about me. Lincoln wakes in the morning singing because my hand is on his life and my peace runs throughout his soul. The foundation that you have begun in your children's lives will be the foundation that I continue to build on until they are all that I have planned for them. Your father will have the peace of mind when he comes to be with me that comes with having seen his son's faith at work and he will witness my hand in your family's life in a way that few fathers ever get to see. I will not only build your family's faith, but his as well. You have continued to be able to do the work that I sat before you on my strength, not yours. I will continue to hold you up and strengthen you to continue to do the job I called you to do. I have promised you that I would not only meet your needs, but I would poor out blessings on you according to my riches in Heaven. My blessings have already been on their way to you since before you knew there was a problem. I know the plans I have for you, and they are good. You will be overwhelmed with the works that I'm going to do in your life, and we are almost over the mountain. Remember, the last few turns at the top of the mountain are usually the hardest, but it's also the best views. I will always be holding you in my arms, even when you can't feel it. When you pray, I will always be there beside you, listening to every word, and though you may not understand the answer or the timing, my wisdom is beyond your understanding. Lastly son, I promised you that though sorrow lasts through the night, Joy comes in the morning... and the horizon is beginning to glow.

                                                                                                                Your loving Heavenly Father,
                                                                                                                 God

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Thanksgiving updates

Everyone has been doing the "What I'm thankful for" during November, and even though it's the beginning of December, I'd thought I'd list out a few things I'm thankful for.
First, I'm thankful for my kidney failure. No, I'm not going to say the whole "I'm thankful for this disease because it has shown me my inner strength or given me new perspective." I hate the whole idea and aspect of this issue and all the details of daily dialysis. However, when my family, and especially my kids, are sick or going through something like this, I often tell God that I wish he would have let me go through it and not my family. Therefore, I have to be thankful that if someone was going to face this in my family, that it was me.
I'm thankful for my relationship with God. Throughout this ordeal, he has given me strength and held me up. I have been at peace and felt his hand at work in every step of this journey and I continue to have faith that my life has a purpose and meaning. The apostle Paul went through many trials in his life, but God used those trials to bring increased faith and strength to others.
I'm thankful for my wonderful family, both immediate and extended. Our family has become so precious to me and is my strength and joy. I realize now that I only knew a very small view of true happiness before.
I'm thankful for the human spirit that is still alive and well all around me. I have had people that only know my family from church that have offered a kidney to me. I have had a nurse at my dialysis clinic offer a kidney to me when she has only known me a few months. I have had friends from church offer to give a kidney. It is one of the most humbling experiences in my life to be in a position to need someone to save your life and really have no way of doing it yourself.

And now for a quick update on my present situation.....if you aren't really interested in the details, please skip this part of the post.....

My possible donors are being tested. I have three possibilities at this point and if one of those are a match, I may be able to have a transplant in the next few months. Otherwise, I will have to await a kidney from the list. Dialysis at home is going well and all my levels have continued to be good. I am still able to work full time and work is great. I did have a kidney stone a few weeks ago that took me to the ER. thank goodness for dilaudid.....didn't feel anything for a few good hours.

Lastly, I wanted to thank all my friends and family for their prayers and well wishes. Please continue to remember me and my family, as well as the families of my possible donors. I wish everyone the best Christmas possible and hope that everyone stays healthy and can find the true joy of Christmas this year.





Friday, September 7, 2012

Immediate Job Opening

Anthony Inc. is pleased to announce the immediate opening in our kidney dept. Upon my last assessment of kidney function, my current staff were only doing 5% of their job duties, therefore, they have been terminated effective immediately. I will be looking to fill that position ASAP. Hours will be 24/7/365. No PTO and no Holidays. Job duties include handling and disposing of all liquid waste products. Please send all inquiries and resumes to Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center Transplant Team.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Poked, Prodded, and Passed for Transplant

Section 1.
To start this post off, I need to first give a short explanation of why this testing is being done. If you are not interested in the medical part of this post, please proceed to section 2. Once I receive a kidney, I will be immuno suppressed, meaning I will take medicine to decrease my immune response so I will not reject the kidney. This means that any illness that I may have now and not know about will go unchecked, so if I had cancer and didn't know it, it would explode unchecked. Therefore, I have to undergo testing for every possible problem. This was my August 7th.

Section 2.
The Testing.....

Trans-thoracic Echo-cardiogram........proof that I do, in fact, have not just a heart, but a good heart. For all my patients that say that I don't, "I told you so!!"

Abdominal Ultrasound......proved that I am a gutsy guy.

Chest X-ray.....Lungs of a champion, bones of a weak old man. (thanks kidney failure and hyperparathyroidism).

18 vials of blood for blood work......quickest way to lose a few pounds, though not the easiest.

Meeting with social worker for psychological work-up........(pause for all my friends to laugh and make jokes about my psychological idiosyncracies)......was told "you would be a great candidate for transplant, but I gather you will try to push yourself too hard and you will need to learn to rest and heal"......hahahaha.......then I asked how long I would have to be off the bike and when could I go back to work. In one ear and out the other.

Meeting with the MD.......passed. Md feels I would be an easy transplant. Tells me I should consider trying out for transplant Olympics afterwards. ( http://www.transplantgamesofamerica.org/ ). If you are not a donor, you can sign up on this website to become a donor upon death in your state. You could save multiple lives, please give this some serious thought, and check out my other post labeled Dear organ donor if you are.

Md told RN to fast track my file to get me into the transplant meeting on Friday, so as of August 10, I should officially be on the transplant list.

Section 3.
For anyone who has been watching the Olympics on TV, I could be the next Usain Bolt or Bradley Wiggins (for the transplant Olympics that is). So get your tickets now. This will probably be my post-transplant goal and you could know an Olympian.


Saturday, August 4, 2012

Dear organ donor.....

Dear organ donor,
I do not know you, but you saved my life. I am writing this before a deadly accident has befallen you, but it will. You will die, but in that death, you will save my life. You will give my children a father to grow up with, you will give my wife her husband for a few more good years, you will give my parents their child for a while longer. I want you to know that I do not wish this on your life, but I will try to make your sacrifice worth it. I will live my life to the fullest for the both of us. I will try to find courage to attempt what I fear I cannot do, I will look for the will power to keep going when there is no way to do so, I will try to make my life all the God would have me to be without losing heart. I want to thank you now before it is too late. A simple decision to be an organ donor, while probably an afterthought at the time, will save my life in the future. I want to thank your family, for while my family will be celebrating my life, your family will be mourning your loss. I will probably never know who you are, but maybe you will somehow stumble across my humble blog and read this. If you are an organ donor, then this blog is for you. I may not receive life from you, but someone will. From all of us awaiting a hero, thank you.

I'm sorry....my kidneys are what???

So, the story. I will make this one quick. Jan 18- I am back at work from a wonderful Disney vacation over New Years, but having some occasional random nausea. I get that sometimes from dealing with insurance companies, but this was different. I was also more tired than the usual, meaning I was almost too tired to walk to the break room for chocolate. So, I called my friendly physician and asked if I might have mono, I've heard you can get that from kissing strange people (sorry Mickey Mouse). He said to come in at lunch and let him get a blood sample to see. Jan 19- my friendly physician calls to say I am being admitted to the hospital, please leave work immediately. Now I would usually have no problems leaving work immediately, but going to the hospital is not the way I want to do that. Fast forward a few hours, and I'm in a room being told by the leading nephrologist that I am in kidney failure and will need a transplant. Jan 20- I have a central line placed into my heart and have my first hemodialysis. Jan 21- second hemodialysis and demand DC from hospital to go home.

By the way, Hemodialysis = have the flu and run 10 miles and then find out that you forgot a huge project due tomorrow at work....that would be close to the physical and mental feeling of that. Hemodialysis is my life for 3 weeks until I can get a cath placed into my abdomen to allow me to run fluid in and out of my abdominal cavity and perform dialysis by using osmosis. This is similar to doing a radiator flush and it gives me 3 days a week of my life back. I began on a machine that did this for me at night while I sleep. Well, while normal people sleep. This is apparently the way most kidney failure patients like to do this, however, this requires an air compressor in a machine to kick on and drain/fill fluids 5 times through the night. For a light sleeper such as myself, this was not a fun situation either. So, I change to continuous exchanges. This means I drain and refill 4 times a day. Positives- I can exchange when convenient for me and I sleep through the night. Negatives- I carry 2 liters of fluid in my abdominal cavity at all times, meaning my working as a body double for Matthew and Channing in Magic Mike has come to an end.
So, that is where my current situation lies. I go in a couple days (Aug 7th, the day after my birthday) for a day of testing (much like being probed by Alien life forms and having your blood drained). They will image every part of my body and take 18 vials of blood, and no, that is not a typo. If all looks good, they will put me on the official list to await someone else's tragedy to afford me a kidney and they can start to test the hero's who have offered to be a living donor and save my life.

I will try to keep some quick updates as to where I am at on this journey, and I welcome any comments and questions that anyone might have. However, I want this blog to be a positive experience for everyone, so if you want to argue the finer points of religion, theology, or apologetics, you can private message me.

Who I am

This will hopefully be a comical, uplifting, positive chronicling of my journey through kidney failure, dialysis, and transplant from my perspective. I have to believe that God has allowed me to go through this without a miraculous healing so that his Grace in my life might strengthen others, so I am going to put my story out there for whoever it may help. I thought I would start with a short narrative of who I am before the tedium of kidney dialysis, and the easiest way to do that is to give you a short piece of a journal entry that speaks to that specific question......

"Who Am I.....

I am a Christian. No, not the person with a fish bumper sticker and a bar tab. The kind who teaches his 2 year old to pray when he is scared at night because God is the first line of help in any situation. The kind who believes a heartfelt prayer over a sick child is more powerful than a team of doctors. The kind who is in church every Sunday, not because of importance to be seen and social, but because he truly believes that his life is spectacularly blessed of God and he must give praise for it. 

I am a husband. No, not a man with a ring and responsibilities. A man who truly understands the word smitten. A man who understands a Love that runs so deep you ache in places without a name. A man who is no longer his own, but is two flesh become one and who deeply desired to sacrifice whatever it takes to supply his love with all he can. 

I am a daddy. No, not a tired father, but a man who no longer knows fear, pain, or death if it means my child will live a better life. A man who can now understand gladly giving up life it means my child will live a fuller one. A man who knows  the fear of failure to be the man God called me to be so that my children will know Him and know His power. A man who knows the gut-wrenching agony of a sick child and the unfathomable joy of a child's laughter as it echos through your soul. 

I am a man of hope. No, not for wealth, power, or fame. I hope for strength. God called me to lead my family. I hope to never lose faith, to mirror God's love and strength to my family that my children will know God's power and peace in their lives. Strength to that hard times and trials will not overpower me so that my children will never see doubt. I hope for faith. Not the faith that believes my well-funded bank account will suffice my needs, but faith that writes "Lo, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil". Faith that leaves an indelible on a child that leaves no room for doubt, the kind of impression my father left with me. I hope for peace. Not an afternoon at home with no arguing, but a deep-seeded peace that soaks into my families souls and nourishes a trust in God that grows into a lifelong hedge of protection against the assault of the world. And I hope for the continued work of the Potter's hand. I hope for God to continue to help me become the Christian, husband, and father he saw in me when he first formed me. Make me into the vessel you need me to be to reach the full potential you filled me with. These are my hopes and dreams."