God......why?

Dear God,

     Why? In simply asking this question I feel like I am failing you. I have tried to keep my faith and trust in you at all times like I know I should, but the truth is.....sometimes fear and doubt are so strong that they push their way into my mind and I struggle. I don't understand these circumstances sometimes. I have always prayed that you would make me into the man, husband, and father that you envisioned me to be when you created me, but now I feel like a broken down version of all of those. I have had to give up my triathlon competitions......I am unable to go swimming with my son.....I am constantly having to take time to do dialysis instead of all the list of things a husband and father should be doing through the day. When I was first in the hospital and they were running tests, I lost my faith and strength. I sat shivering with fear on what my future would hold....and I couldn't feel you. I managed to get my nerves under control and focus on what the plan would be and tried to show my faith once the diagnosis came....and I felt almost numb...an unnerving calm even. I continued to show my faith to the nurses at the dialysis clinic and assured them that my God was in control and would heal me.....but my  healing has not come. I have been able to continue to work and do the job I feel you called me to, but it is so hard to have to continuously worry about how I will get all my dialysis treatments done and pay all the bills and still keep Kyla at home with the kids. They are growing up so sweet and special. I know they are truly a gift from you and I am so thankful, but I wonder about the effect that watching their father have to constantly take medication and do dialysis will have on their peace of mind. I also worry about my father and his peace of mind. I have never seen him so concerned about me or question God's healing before. He is a spiritual giant, but he is also struggling with me not being immediately healed with prayer. Sometimes I just wonder if I have it in me to continue to hold on to my faith for this journey, it seems so hard. I want to be the man and father you planned for me to be, but I just can't understand.........but I will continue to trust that you know my future and still hold it in your hand.

                                                                                                         Your struggling son,
                                                                                                          Anthony

Dear Anthony,

       Oh son, how I love you. I made you with a human spirit that is weak and questioning so that my grace and strength could be made perfect in you. I am neither upset or disappointed in you, but I am proud of all that you are.  I call you my child because much like a child, your view is often limited. When your son had to have an injection to protect him, he didn't understand and it broke your heart when he cried. However, you knew that the result would be for his benefit. I have also wept at your pain and fear, but I know the plans I have for you. I am still molding you into the child I created you to be for me. I allowed you to train and race in triathlons not only because you were passionate about it (i planted that passion), but it also allowed your body to counteract the effects of the kidney failure for a long time. I knew that if you were diagnosed earlier, you would never have found the courage to long for and try for Aspen. If you remember, it wasn't long after you found out I was sending her to you that you were diagnosed. I didn't want you to miss out on her blessing in your life. You will return to those passions, but for now, you do not have those distractions in your life and are able to focus on your children. You will always cherish this time with them. When you were laying shivering in the hospital, I was trying to speak to you in my still small voice, but fear had made you unable to hear me. Therefore, I crawled into bed with you and held you until you finally felt my calm wash over you. You were not numb, but were experiencing the peace that passes your understanding. My strength was holding you up when you were given the diagnosis and were able to focus on what my plan would be for you. Though you feel that not getting an immediate healing was a failure in the nurses eyes, you never saw the strength that was passed into some of those nurses lives who are also my children. The faith that you showed was a small seed that I was able to grow miracles out of in other people's lives, though you will never see those fruits until you come to be with me in Heaven. Your children do not fear the future because of your life, on the contrary, they draw strength and build their faith on the building blocks that you give them everyday when you pray with them and teach them about me. Lincoln wakes in the morning singing because my hand is on his life and my peace runs throughout his soul. The foundation that you have begun in your children's lives will be the foundation that I continue to build on until they are all that I have planned for them. Your father will have the peace of mind when he comes to be with me that comes with having seen his son's faith at work and he will witness my hand in your family's life in a way that few fathers ever get to see. I will not only build your family's faith, but his as well. You have continued to be able to do the work that I sat before you on my strength, not yours. I will continue to hold you up and strengthen you to continue to do the job I called you to do. I have promised you that I would not only meet your needs, but I would poor out blessings on you according to my riches in Heaven. My blessings have already been on their way to you since before you knew there was a problem. I know the plans I have for you, and they are good. You will be overwhelmed with the works that I'm going to do in your life, and we are almost over the mountain. Remember, the last few turns at the top of the mountain are usually the hardest, but it's also the best views. I will always be holding you in my arms, even when you can't feel it. When you pray, I will always be there beside you, listening to every word, and though you may not understand the answer or the timing, my wisdom is beyond your understanding. Lastly son, I promised you that though sorrow lasts through the night, Joy comes in the morning... and the horizon is beginning to glow.

                                                                                                                Your loving Heavenly Father,
                                                                                                                 God

Thanksgiving updates

Everyone has been doing the "What I'm thankful for" during November, and even though it's the beginning of December, I'd thought I'd list out a few things I'm thankful for.
First, I'm thankful for my kidney failure. No, I'm not going to say the whole "I'm thankful for this disease because it has shown me my inner strength or given me new perspective." I hate the whole idea and aspect of this issue and all the details of daily dialysis. However, when my family, and especially my kids, are sick or going through something like this, I often tell God that I wish he would have let me go through it and not my family. Therefore, I have to be thankful that if someone was going to face this in my family, that it was me.
I'm thankful for my relationship with God. Throughout this ordeal, he has given me strength and held me up. I have been at peace and felt his hand at work in every step of this journey and I continue to have faith that my life has a purpose and meaning. The apostle Paul went through many trials in his life, but God used those trials to bring increased faith and strength to others.
I'm thankful for my wonderful family, both immediate and extended. Our family has become so precious to me and is my strength and joy. I realize now that I only knew a very small view of true happiness before.
I'm thankful for the human spirit that is still alive and well all around me. I have had people that only know my family from church that have offered a kidney to me. I have had a nurse at my dialysis clinic offer a kidney to me when she has only known me a few months. I have had friends from church offer to give a kidney. It is one of the most humbling experiences in my life to be in a position to need someone to save your life and really have no way of doing it yourself.

And now for a quick update on my present situation.....if you aren't really interested in the details, please skip this part of the post.....

My possible donors are being tested. I have three possibilities at this point and if one of those are a match, I may be able to have a transplant in the next few months. Otherwise, I will have to await a kidney from the list. Dialysis at home is going well and all my levels have continued to be good. I am still able to work full time and work is great. I did have a kidney stone a few weeks ago that took me to the ER. thank goodness for dilaudid.....didn't feel anything for a few good hours.

Lastly, I wanted to thank all my friends and family for their prayers and well wishes. Please continue to remember me and my family, as well as the families of my possible donors. I wish everyone the best Christmas possible and hope that everyone stays healthy and can find the true joy of Christmas this year.